Medication costs argh! Being crazy is hard on the bank account.

Here is a vicious cycle for you….

 

As of right now, I’m on two different anxiety medications, a mood stabilizer and have just been given a prescription to start another mood stabilizer…. Now obviously, I won’t need all these forever.  But for the time being…. Can you say cha ching… or PRICEY! These are also not the cheapest things in the world…. So having to take 4 different kind is costing my pretty pennies….

The latest one, I just found out will cost close to $200 for 30.  This I had to turn down for the time being as… ouch! But it got me thinking of this awful merry go round.  Without the mood stabilizer, I will continue to have extreme lows, question my self-worth and all that goes along with it…. Yet if I were to buy, my money problems would get more serve, I might not be able to afford all my bills and then I would go into extreme lows etc…

Or are they so good that you can see you bank account reading zero and still be happy…. Like having one of those step ford smiles on your face as your fridge holds no food and you power goes off and say at least I’m happy, te he.

Then I question the motives of such pricey medication… of course maybe it’s the ingredients or the research behind it we are paying for? But obviously, people buying mood stabilizing drugs, have problems like mine…. Now I’m gonna get dark here, but what if we all couldn’t afford to buy it, and then continue our low moods and spiral worse cause we feel ever more helpless at knowing there could be help but we can’t afford it and we all take our own lives…. Then the government would have loads of less people to tax and score money from….

If you ask me they are just not using their noggins….

Ah alas I’m just venting…. I’m anxious cause I haven’t been able to afford my second anxiety medication so I’m on half my dose, my mood stabilizer is finished as of tomorrow and I’ll need to buy the new one as well…. This is completely undoable really… I’ll have to choose which to get this week and then next week.  Right now I’m close to tears and wish I was just better… I wish I could budget better…. I wish I could buy all the medication other people in similar need for them to and we could all group hug together.   The fight continues.  Monster is telling me I’m useless and stupid… I impulse spent to much before I remembered my medications.  Thanks dude for kicking me when I’m down…

No stone stepped this week, but wait, I wrote about it, I journaled, I am here getting it out and inside of letting things fester in my head dwelling around the drain of ‘you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot’ that counts right? Okay you know what I’m gonna count it as a pebble. No stone stepped but there was a pebble 😃 okay.

My story continues;

The Monsters from under our beds…. have moved to our heads.

So I’ve been told recently that writing about depression can be good for oneself as an outlet I guess….

I always wanted to talk about it in the sense of telling people they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts, it can be incredibly lonely having these thoughts and emotions and when you hear someone else describing similar afflictions it’s almost liberating.

Of course this disease, if you will, is different for everyone.   However, knowing others feel similar can be incredible comforting.

So instead of rambling, about my own problems in hopes to get some perspective, I will come at it as hoping to help others because that always drives me a little more than anything self-serving.

 

I deal with depression.  I don’t like to say suffer, though it definitely is a suffer age, I don’t like to say suffer, it makes me feel like a victim and not someone who is trying to help oneself, I’m sorry if you have no problem saying suffer, but it’s just not a word I like to use.

I deal with it, daily.   I’m going to be honest, cause in the biggest sense I’m really talking to myself.  Acceptance blah blah blah

I deal with it daily, cause a least hourly some thought of negativity about myself will dwell inside my head.   I tend to have more than one inner monologue at one time.  The current what I am doing, the planning ahead   and the negative affliction of what is going one.  Right now, my head is thinking for example of the sentence I’m currently completing, the next paragraph I wish to start, and the demon that is telling me that I’m worthless, stupid and why would anyone want to listen to anything I have to say I should shut up and crawl away…. Yes, he’s fun isn’t he.  This demon is a constant voice in my head.  I can ignore him and just have him running in the back ground like a TV rerun, as I’m kind of used to the voice in my head and what he’s saying.  But other times, he grips me with his talons and the pain that splits my head, mind and body in two is too much to bare.   He’s good at reaching me in vulnerable times. Those times when you aren’t thinking, you’re having fun with your friends and someone snaps a picture you are in the background of, I wasn’t thinking of seeing me and then there I am… and then he is there “oh look how disgusting you are, I bet everyone is so embarrassed to have you out with them right now.  You’re bringing them down with your disgustingness” Gee thanks mister demon, I was having fun a minute ago, now I feel ashamed for having fun. But I don’t want to feel ashamed right now cause my friends are having fun and if I suddenly get sad they will stop having fun and need to cheer me up with lies… I’m such a burden…

Oh, it’s a fun circle in my head isn’t it.

Along with constant quips about my useless and worthless nature, he likes to remind me of being a burden on all I know, he likes to say horrid things to me constantly however a constant battle I have with him is the battle of self-harm.

Alas, the thing that makes me feel the most crazy, it’s an embarrassing thing more than anything, I wish to ignore the urge, that seeps in like an addiction to have something hurt me, the demon tells me I should be punished, I need to be in pain for anything he finds stupid, or burdening.

I did something stupid, I need to bleed, I disappointed someone, I need to bleed.

Slowly to oh you didn’t get enough attention, no one said your shirt was nice, why would you expect that…. You’re disgusting… you need to bleed.

I felt better when my self-harm was link more to an overwhelming cloud of stress that I couldn’t get out from under and I knew logic and answers were here but I just couldn’t reach them for the storm, digging into my arm was a way to anchor myself back to earth, to look at the blood seeping through my skin and think holy fuck that was incredibly stupid, oh hey logic here you are! I find all the answers.  Now however, its shift to, all kinds of ways to hurt myself to be in constant pain in the sense of that’s what I deserve.  It’s crazy I know! Logic has no sense here! I cut my toes till they bleed, have blisters on my feet, banged wrists on sharp edges and taken razors to my arm, not to wish death…. Well not at first, but to wish harm, my mind is telling me I deserve to be in constant discomfort.

 

Oh, this is so embarrassing to share all this. But again, I hope that others see it and go oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one that nuts!
For the worried… I am seeking help and you should to. There are ways for us.  I went to my GP who put me on a mental health care plan.  I have appointments with both Psychiatrist and Psychologist

Being bulked billed as well.  I have tried different medications, some for anxiety which I noticed a difference and one for anti-depressant.  While I did notice a bit of a change, I’m now about to try a mood stabilizer so we’ll see how that goes.  While I’m still in it, a small part of me feels better for seeking help and being on medication.  Hope that the stones I’m stepping on are leading to the way out.

 

Previous to meds and doctors I had tried all the other natural ways to get better, exercise, diet changes, hobbies, journals etc. etc., while I still won’t give up on these.  I feel I need to dig deeper and try other things.  As depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, medication could help balance me out and get better.

 

I guess I wanted to put this out there again for others who deal with similar things… an honest approach to it all…. Writings from deep in it.  And Hopes for some answers.

For now, my story continues;