Toil and Trouble

I think I’m having a harder time then i’m willing to admit.  I feel that one such as me that is on varied medication shouldn’t still be having low lows…. But I am… I’m needing to fill every minute, but it has to be certain distractions, I can’t practise things as I’ll feel stupid… i’m restless, i’m sad, i’m spending money I don’t have.

A hard thing about when you need help, is not knowing how to ask, or what exactly I need.  People of course are lovely and say if you need anything… blah blah, but how do you call someone or text them and say um i’m feeling really crap, I can’t sit still and listen to you yet I need your distraction, I can’t hear a compliment but I need to hear something nice, I need to stop spending money, but I need certain things…. it’s hard to ask for something you don’t know how to express much less know what I actually need.

as I said in my last post, when you write the way you are feeling they are just words floating on a white screen… saying them out loud, like the words expressed last post… sound ridiculously lame, it doesn’t match the feeling, the mood or the body reaction, in fact you say it out loud and it sounds stupid, humiliating and petty….

oh I’m lonely, no body loves me, i’m so fucking tired. i’m disgustingly fat.  I want to do things but I can’t get up…. that’ all sounds so childish but it’s not!

The feelings i’m feeling, helpless, restless, unbearably sad, hopeless.  I want to cry, i feel a vast emptiness… i want to hug my sisters and my nieces but i don’t want my sadness to come close to them.  My heart hurts.

I didn’t get to see my pyscologist today,  i had to word and the next person came late, I wasn’t angry with her, I didn’t get to speak to my pyscologist but his secretary…. I feel like this was a huge event for me, missing it, i wanted to talk, to cry, to have a hug, and  no one around me noticed or cared….

where are the stones…. my path seems halted, my foot hovers over emptiness, i can’t see my stones!

my story continues;

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Rumble, ramble

Today I’m not doing great

Rumblings are fighting in my head, I am horrible bitch because of me wanting my client to do certain things so his life will be better. I feel like I go into nag mode and am super annoying. Then later he’s not even listening to me about when I talk about some things that mean something to me, and he cuts me off to talk out loud to himself about something about himself.   Of course, I think, no one wants to hear about my stuff, no one ever wants to hear about stuff that means a lot to me and, why would they? I suck.  I failed at cheering two people up that are such nice people I have taken it very hard.  I seemed to say the wrong thing and made two different people feel worse.  The demon in my head is telling me I make everything about me.  But it’s really not about that.  I feel like at very least my life is for other people and I can’t even do that right! I’m worthless and useless and feel like everyone would be loads better off if I wasn’t around.   With all my issues, I must make loads of things harder for everyone! 

There are people out there with real problems and I can’t get through a fucking day without freaking out over something.  Or feeling horrible about something.  I really don’t have that much power though.  I have very little friends, but those little I do I must be so annoying.

I hate this so much, I hate writing it down cause words fall so flat on this page.  Letters floating on a white screen look so lacking.  The body reacting to these thoughts is so much to it, the dark shadow behind my eyes, moisture leaking.  Heart racing. but heavy chest tight.   My body literally feeling like something heavy is laying on top of me, there is a burn under my skin that is itching to be hurt, I want to drag my knife upon my skin searing it open and feel the punishment of my living when I shouldn’t be.  I want feel pain that I can identify with blood or bruise rather than this disgusting feeling I have in my heart, my soul, my mind, the sickness in my stomach. I feel flat, deflated.  My eyes sting.  Yet I’ll continue tonight, not because I have changed my mind, or positively view tomorrow as a new day and this shit will pass… logically sure I know that.  I will put on my smile and continue cause I’m to chicken shit to do anything else right now… sorry world for now the burden of my existence must continue…. I can’t apologize enough.

My story continues;