Toil and Trouble

I think I’m having a harder time then i’m willing to admit.  I feel that one such as me that is on varied medication shouldn’t still be having low lows…. But I am… I’m needing to fill every minute, but it has to be certain distractions, I can’t practise things as I’ll feel stupid… i’m restless, i’m sad, i’m spending money I don’t have.

A hard thing about when you need help, is not knowing how to ask, or what exactly I need.  People of course are lovely and say if you need anything… blah blah, but how do you call someone or text them and say um i’m feeling really crap, I can’t sit still and listen to you yet I need your distraction, I can’t hear a compliment but I need to hear something nice, I need to stop spending money, but I need certain things…. it’s hard to ask for something you don’t know how to express much less know what I actually need.

as I said in my last post, when you write the way you are feeling they are just words floating on a white screen… saying them out loud, like the words expressed last post… sound ridiculously lame, it doesn’t match the feeling, the mood or the body reaction, in fact you say it out loud and it sounds stupid, humiliating and petty….

oh I’m lonely, no body loves me, i’m so fucking tired. i’m disgustingly fat.  I want to do things but I can’t get up…. that’ all sounds so childish but it’s not!

The feelings i’m feeling, helpless, restless, unbearably sad, hopeless.  I want to cry, i feel a vast emptiness… i want to hug my sisters and my nieces but i don’t want my sadness to come close to them.  My heart hurts.

I didn’t get to see my pyscologist today,  i had to word and the next person came late, I wasn’t angry with her, I didn’t get to speak to my pyscologist but his secretary…. I feel like this was a huge event for me, missing it, i wanted to talk, to cry, to have a hug, and  no one around me noticed or cared….

where are the stones…. my path seems halted, my foot hovers over emptiness, i can’t see my stones!

my story continues;

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