To the mothers…

I have met some remarkable women in my life, wonderful mothers, I like to honour them and write about them usually on mothers day, and a facebook statues didn’t seem enough this year…

from Step sisters, to piano teachers, cousins, my Grand mother, step mother, employers, friends, my mother, my sisters… I know, and am so lucky to know so many amazing women, who do an incredible job as parents.

I take mental notes constantly of things I want to emulate, things I’m inspired by, things that your kids should know! Things you do, that you think no one sees, the sacrifices, the gains, the tears, the worry you’re not doing a good job, the stress.   I’m constantly in awe, seeing how good a life you want for you child, how much love you give them.  If you are a woman in my life, chances are you have inspired me in some way.  And you deserve more then just flowers on mothers day, you deserve to know that you child, is a good person, and that is in large part because of you! Your child, loves you more than you know… many smiles, laughs, quirky behaviour, can be attributed to you.   If you worry if you are doing a good job, that means you are, cause you care enough to wonder! Mothers, we do see you, we love you, we appreciate all you do….  you’re beautiful! Have a wonderful day!

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Wait! I’m already shaping kids minds!!

I have just had a revelation, I was siting next to my niece as she was reading, and helping her sound words out and realized that I am already a contributing force in the next generation…. while I’m sure many would be saying ‘duh’ to me.  it hit me big time…. I know my presence has influenced people around me before. But suddenly realizing I’m helping to shape kids minds and educate them and influence who they are going to become is a big fucking deal!

These thoughts were already weighing heavy on me for the future of becoming a parent one day, but this is now…. when I’m me and I’m not, you know ‘on’

I had small thoughts like these this week, I look after kids three days a week, I was thinking how I’m a weirdo and wondered how the parents feel about the fact their kids sometimes act weird and maybe want more stable people around their babies…. leading me to really realize what an honour it is to be selected to be around kids, really, I mean whoever you allow around your children is going to influence them even in small ways.

And then, now to this big realization I had just now about me educating…. wow, we really need to be more aware of this, I mean I always wanted to be a positive role model for my own kids, hoping that one day I would figure things out enough to become such a model, however, it starts way before we have our own little tykes doesn’t it… the world we are in, kids who live in our street observe us with their big curious eyes and every little thing we do can have a big impact on them.

I suddenly feel like a big weight is on me but in the best possible way.  I can already enact every thing I have wanted to do for my kids, we can build a better next generation but just being the best we can be and encouraging respect, education, kindness, we are already influencing so many so why  not use it to the best way we can.  so the next generation can be even better! cause that’s the point isn’t… if we all take a little bit of responsibility and be more consciences…. think of the possibilities!

but I digress.

hey sexist stuff doesn’t exist anymore!

I love hearing from men that the world is pretty much equal now, and there is no need to be fighting feminist anymore, etc etc…. I laugh internally, a lot, but I think it’s something I need to say out loud…. I’m sorry but no uterus, no opinion…. How do you know the world has gotten equal unless you are actually a female battling what that is like? It would be like a white person, saying there is not racism against black people anymore…. Or if a woman saying getting kicked in the balls doesn’t hurt that much…. Dude you don’t know… yes it has gotten a lot better, and yes, it’s great if you yourself feel like you treat people equally and you don’t experience any of it… but assuming you have any idea what it’s like and the battles still to face, is a bit silly… unfortunately gender equality is yes still a big issue….. for I just went on a date last night, with a man asking me about my cooking skills, then my cleaning skills, to find out I’m lacking it both to ask me, “you’re a woman who can’t cook or clean what can you do?” of course my first instinct was to go to humour and before I answered with “well I am pretty good in bed” it dawned on me that this gentleman wasn’t actually kidding…. “I can work fucker” was my actual response…. Now left me say, that yes there are women who love to stay at home and oversee cooking and cleaning….. and if that’s the type of girl you fancy, you can find one…. And yes I can take a joke, but when referred to seriously as to me a woman who can’t do either, I don’t have anything else to offer is pretty lacking my friend…. I wasn’t stereotyping him to say “hey pay for everything I want, oh you can’t? what the fuck do you do then?” was I? now tell me again sexism doesn’t exist anymore?

amidst distraction

my battle continues from immensely overpower sadness to being the happy eccentric version of myself I like… lately it’s been mostly the latter, I have managed to fill my days with events, family and acquiring knowledge.  So stopping to listen to the whispers in my ears and mind has been a lot harder and far between… however distractions never work forever and unless plans in place to remove of fight the whispers they do become shouting to thunderous roars don’t they….

my mind has been circling like a shark with constant thoughts of my parents the last few days like jaws about to take her bite, I wonder if they miss me… I highly doubt it as they live close and still choose to have no contact or place in my life…. I know i’m to blame as well, I never wrote them off and they haven’t me, but no effort is made on their parts, and I stopped mine long ago after numerous attempts with no avail… I do miss them, I miss movie talks with my father, he’s ‘dad jokes’ I have heard a dozens of times,  I miss him with my step mother, and playing like an actual tv family when I lived with them for a short while.  a mother and father a dinner table having conversations, cleaning up after dinner and watching tv together.  I miss my mom’s lame dancing, when we would put on records and listen to music, I miss making her laugh so hard she peed her pants…. I miss looking after her house actually, I miss being the mother there and relying on myself to get things done and them getting done.  I miss the idea I guess.  But as my woe is me world of late and the knowledge and remembrance of the many who have actual bailed out of being amongst my life, I’ve caught myself wondering if they miss me, I, me would never tempt such a thought, but the monster does, do they wonder about me, do they see things some times that remind them of me, do they worry about me at all…. Monster equates with your own parents don’t care about you of course no one else is going to…. I wasn’t abandoned on a church step, I wasn’t given up for adoption, I wasn’t lost one day in a department store or kidnapped, my parents live 15 mins away and 1 hour away, I visit others in the same house and I’ll get barely hello, how’s your life…. why are they not curious about me, how can you be with in arms reach of your own family and not reach out.

my heart hurts, my story continues;

Toil and Trouble

I think I’m having a harder time then i’m willing to admit.  I feel that one such as me that is on varied medication shouldn’t still be having low lows…. But I am… I’m needing to fill every minute, but it has to be certain distractions, I can’t practise things as I’ll feel stupid… i’m restless, i’m sad, i’m spending money I don’t have.

A hard thing about when you need help, is not knowing how to ask, or what exactly I need.  People of course are lovely and say if you need anything… blah blah, but how do you call someone or text them and say um i’m feeling really crap, I can’t sit still and listen to you yet I need your distraction, I can’t hear a compliment but I need to hear something nice, I need to stop spending money, but I need certain things…. it’s hard to ask for something you don’t know how to express much less know what I actually need.

as I said in my last post, when you write the way you are feeling they are just words floating on a white screen… saying them out loud, like the words expressed last post… sound ridiculously lame, it doesn’t match the feeling, the mood or the body reaction, in fact you say it out loud and it sounds stupid, humiliating and petty….

oh I’m lonely, no body loves me, i’m so fucking tired. i’m disgustingly fat.  I want to do things but I can’t get up…. that’ all sounds so childish but it’s not!

The feelings i’m feeling, helpless, restless, unbearably sad, hopeless.  I want to cry, i feel a vast emptiness… i want to hug my sisters and my nieces but i don’t want my sadness to come close to them.  My heart hurts.

I didn’t get to see my pyscologist today,  i had to word and the next person came late, I wasn’t angry with her, I didn’t get to speak to my pyscologist but his secretary…. I feel like this was a huge event for me, missing it, i wanted to talk, to cry, to have a hug, and  no one around me noticed or cared….

where are the stones…. my path seems halted, my foot hovers over emptiness, i can’t see my stones!

my story continues;

Rumble, ramble

Today I’m not doing great

Rumblings are fighting in my head, I am horrible bitch because of me wanting my client to do certain things so his life will be better. I feel like I go into nag mode and am super annoying. Then later he’s not even listening to me about when I talk about some things that mean something to me, and he cuts me off to talk out loud to himself about something about himself.   Of course, I think, no one wants to hear about my stuff, no one ever wants to hear about stuff that means a lot to me and, why would they? I suck.  I failed at cheering two people up that are such nice people I have taken it very hard.  I seemed to say the wrong thing and made two different people feel worse.  The demon in my head is telling me I make everything about me.  But it’s really not about that.  I feel like at very least my life is for other people and I can’t even do that right! I’m worthless and useless and feel like everyone would be loads better off if I wasn’t around.   With all my issues, I must make loads of things harder for everyone! 

There are people out there with real problems and I can’t get through a fucking day without freaking out over something.  Or feeling horrible about something.  I really don’t have that much power though.  I have very little friends, but those little I do I must be so annoying.

I hate this so much, I hate writing it down cause words fall so flat on this page.  Letters floating on a white screen look so lacking.  The body reacting to these thoughts is so much to it, the dark shadow behind my eyes, moisture leaking.  Heart racing. but heavy chest tight.   My body literally feeling like something heavy is laying on top of me, there is a burn under my skin that is itching to be hurt, I want to drag my knife upon my skin searing it open and feel the punishment of my living when I shouldn’t be.  I want feel pain that I can identify with blood or bruise rather than this disgusting feeling I have in my heart, my soul, my mind, the sickness in my stomach. I feel flat, deflated.  My eyes sting.  Yet I’ll continue tonight, not because I have changed my mind, or positively view tomorrow as a new day and this shit will pass… logically sure I know that.  I will put on my smile and continue cause I’m to chicken shit to do anything else right now… sorry world for now the burden of my existence must continue…. I can’t apologize enough.

My story continues;

Medication costs argh! Being crazy is hard on the bank account.

Here is a vicious cycle for you….

 

As of right now, I’m on two different anxiety medications, a mood stabilizer and have just been given a prescription to start another mood stabilizer…. Now obviously, I won’t need all these forever.  But for the time being…. Can you say cha ching… or PRICEY! These are also not the cheapest things in the world…. So having to take 4 different kind is costing my pretty pennies….

The latest one, I just found out will cost close to $200 for 30.  This I had to turn down for the time being as… ouch! But it got me thinking of this awful merry go round.  Without the mood stabilizer, I will continue to have extreme lows, question my self-worth and all that goes along with it…. Yet if I were to buy, my money problems would get more serve, I might not be able to afford all my bills and then I would go into extreme lows etc…

Or are they so good that you can see you bank account reading zero and still be happy…. Like having one of those step ford smiles on your face as your fridge holds no food and you power goes off and say at least I’m happy, te he.

Then I question the motives of such pricey medication… of course maybe it’s the ingredients or the research behind it we are paying for? But obviously, people buying mood stabilizing drugs, have problems like mine…. Now I’m gonna get dark here, but what if we all couldn’t afford to buy it, and then continue our low moods and spiral worse cause we feel ever more helpless at knowing there could be help but we can’t afford it and we all take our own lives…. Then the government would have loads of less people to tax and score money from….

If you ask me they are just not using their noggins….

Ah alas I’m just venting…. I’m anxious cause I haven’t been able to afford my second anxiety medication so I’m on half my dose, my mood stabilizer is finished as of tomorrow and I’ll need to buy the new one as well…. This is completely undoable really… I’ll have to choose which to get this week and then next week.  Right now I’m close to tears and wish I was just better… I wish I could budget better…. I wish I could buy all the medication other people in similar need for them to and we could all group hug together.   The fight continues.  Monster is telling me I’m useless and stupid… I impulse spent to much before I remembered my medications.  Thanks dude for kicking me when I’m down…

No stone stepped this week, but wait, I wrote about it, I journaled, I am here getting it out and inside of letting things fester in my head dwelling around the drain of ‘you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot’ that counts right? Okay you know what I’m gonna count it as a pebble. No stone stepped but there was a pebble 😃 okay.

My story continues;