amidst distraction

my battle continues from immensely overpower sadness to being the happy eccentric version of myself I like… lately it’s been mostly the latter, I have managed to fill my days with events, family and acquiring knowledge.  So stopping to listen to the whispers in my ears and mind has been a lot harder and far between… however distractions never work forever and unless plans in place to remove of fight the whispers they do become shouting to thunderous roars don’t they….

my mind has been circling like a shark with constant thoughts of my parents the last few days like jaws about to take her bite, I wonder if they miss me… I highly doubt it as they live close and still choose to have no contact or place in my life…. I know i’m to blame as well, I never wrote them off and they haven’t me, but no effort is made on their parts, and I stopped mine long ago after numerous attempts with no avail… I do miss them, I miss movie talks with my father, he’s ‘dad jokes’ I have heard a dozens of times,  I miss him with my step mother, and playing like an actual tv family when I lived with them for a short while.  a mother and father a dinner table having conversations, cleaning up after dinner and watching tv together.  I miss my mom’s lame dancing, when we would put on records and listen to music, I miss making her laugh so hard she peed her pants…. I miss looking after her house actually, I miss being the mother there and relying on myself to get things done and them getting done.  I miss the idea I guess.  But as my woe is me world of late and the knowledge and remembrance of the many who have actual bailed out of being amongst my life, I’ve caught myself wondering if they miss me, I, me would never tempt such a thought, but the monster does, do they wonder about me, do they see things some times that remind them of me, do they worry about me at all…. Monster equates with your own parents don’t care about you of course no one else is going to…. I wasn’t abandoned on a church step, I wasn’t given up for adoption, I wasn’t lost one day in a department store or kidnapped, my parents live 15 mins away and 1 hour away, I visit others in the same house and I’ll get barely hello, how’s your life…. why are they not curious about me, how can you be with in arms reach of your own family and not reach out.

my heart hurts, my story continues;

Advertisements