The Monsters from under our beds…. have moved to our heads.

So I’ve been told recently that writing about depression can be good for oneself as an outlet I guess….

I always wanted to talk about it in the sense of telling people they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts, it can be incredibly lonely having these thoughts and emotions and when you hear someone else describing similar afflictions it’s almost liberating.

Of course this disease, if you will, is different for everyone.   However, knowing others feel similar can be incredible comforting.

So instead of rambling, about my own problems in hopes to get some perspective, I will come at it as hoping to help others because that always drives me a little more than anything self-serving.

 

I deal with depression.  I don’t like to say suffer, though it definitely is a suffer age, I don’t like to say suffer, it makes me feel like a victim and not someone who is trying to help oneself, I’m sorry if you have no problem saying suffer, but it’s just not a word I like to use.

I deal with it, daily.   I’m going to be honest, cause in the biggest sense I’m really talking to myself.  Acceptance blah blah blah

I deal with it daily, cause a least hourly some thought of negativity about myself will dwell inside my head.   I tend to have more than one inner monologue at one time.  The current what I am doing, the planning ahead   and the negative affliction of what is going one.  Right now, my head is thinking for example of the sentence I’m currently completing, the next paragraph I wish to start, and the demon that is telling me that I’m worthless, stupid and why would anyone want to listen to anything I have to say I should shut up and crawl away…. Yes, he’s fun isn’t he.  This demon is a constant voice in my head.  I can ignore him and just have him running in the back ground like a TV rerun, as I’m kind of used to the voice in my head and what he’s saying.  But other times, he grips me with his talons and the pain that splits my head, mind and body in two is too much to bare.   He’s good at reaching me in vulnerable times. Those times when you aren’t thinking, you’re having fun with your friends and someone snaps a picture you are in the background of, I wasn’t thinking of seeing me and then there I am… and then he is there “oh look how disgusting you are, I bet everyone is so embarrassed to have you out with them right now.  You’re bringing them down with your disgustingness” Gee thanks mister demon, I was having fun a minute ago, now I feel ashamed for having fun. But I don’t want to feel ashamed right now cause my friends are having fun and if I suddenly get sad they will stop having fun and need to cheer me up with lies… I’m such a burden…

Oh, it’s a fun circle in my head isn’t it.

Along with constant quips about my useless and worthless nature, he likes to remind me of being a burden on all I know, he likes to say horrid things to me constantly however a constant battle I have with him is the battle of self-harm.

Alas, the thing that makes me feel the most crazy, it’s an embarrassing thing more than anything, I wish to ignore the urge, that seeps in like an addiction to have something hurt me, the demon tells me I should be punished, I need to be in pain for anything he finds stupid, or burdening.

I did something stupid, I need to bleed, I disappointed someone, I need to bleed.

Slowly to oh you didn’t get enough attention, no one said your shirt was nice, why would you expect that…. You’re disgusting… you need to bleed.

I felt better when my self-harm was link more to an overwhelming cloud of stress that I couldn’t get out from under and I knew logic and answers were here but I just couldn’t reach them for the storm, digging into my arm was a way to anchor myself back to earth, to look at the blood seeping through my skin and think holy fuck that was incredibly stupid, oh hey logic here you are! I find all the answers.  Now however, its shift to, all kinds of ways to hurt myself to be in constant pain in the sense of that’s what I deserve.  It’s crazy I know! Logic has no sense here! I cut my toes till they bleed, have blisters on my feet, banged wrists on sharp edges and taken razors to my arm, not to wish death…. Well not at first, but to wish harm, my mind is telling me I deserve to be in constant discomfort.

 

Oh, this is so embarrassing to share all this. But again, I hope that others see it and go oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one that nuts!
For the worried… I am seeking help and you should to. There are ways for us.  I went to my GP who put me on a mental health care plan.  I have appointments with both Psychiatrist and Psychologist

Being bulked billed as well.  I have tried different medications, some for anxiety which I noticed a difference and one for anti-depressant.  While I did notice a bit of a change, I’m now about to try a mood stabilizer so we’ll see how that goes.  While I’m still in it, a small part of me feels better for seeking help and being on medication.  Hope that the stones I’m stepping on are leading to the way out.

 

Previous to meds and doctors I had tried all the other natural ways to get better, exercise, diet changes, hobbies, journals etc. etc., while I still won’t give up on these.  I feel I need to dig deeper and try other things.  As depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, medication could help balance me out and get better.

 

I guess I wanted to put this out there again for others who deal with similar things… an honest approach to it all…. Writings from deep in it.  And Hopes for some answers.

For now, my story continues;

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TAKE BACK YOU NUDE SELFIE!

I’m outraged and disgusted at the moment upon hearing of a facebook page supported by males, and posting naked pictures of Ex girlfriends. While that in itself is horrible. It goes further, one there is nothing the girls can do about getting the photos down cause apparently you loose rights to your own pictures the minute you send them somewhere, two, any woman pleading to get the photos down succumbs to mockery and three, people are blaming the woman more.

I want to take you back for a minute, to when the celebrity nude selfie scandal was around, I saw so many people blaming the woman, for taking the photos in the first place and storing them on their phones…. I still cannot get my head around this notion. Your phone is YOUR PROPERTY. If you are in a trusted relationship why wouldn’t you send intimate photos and conversation to each other, I’m sure everyone does. And you would all hate anything to get out. But there is simply nothing wrong with exploring your own sexuality and feeling good to take photos of yourself on your personal property. But what I don’t is why everyone is like “oh well she should have known better” “that’s what you get” I’m sorry but this is THEFT! Someone had to HACK into their phones to get it. If someone had broke into their house and stolen photos, would you be saying the same thing. A persons bag is stolen people don’t go around saying you should have a bag. What about a mother having photos of their child on their phones, and then those photos stolen for paedophile websites, would it be her fault!? Everyone stores their own photos of their phones, because it is their PERSONAL device, we put passwords etc to lock them, but if someone breaks into it’s THEFT, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what the victims have done. And I am appalled that anyone anywhere would think differently. If a house gets broken into, it’s the robbers fault, a bank, the robbers, a business the robbers, but apparently a personal device isn’t? People these days steal movies and music constantly and nobody goes around saying its movie company’s fault. Now again this battle is faced, which baffles me, it’s our fault for sending sexy pictures to a boyfriend, yet everywhere the use of a female sexy posed to sell things in advertisement. It’s held up as an idol, so to try and maybe compete, or draw attention back to us, or even cause we think that’s what they want cause it’s postered everywhere, or hell even if you felt sexy and decided to send him a photo in preparation the next time you two see eachother, what ever the reason, we send a sexy photo, to our boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with that, when that boyfriend turns ex FOR WHATEVER REASON there is no right on their part to share trusted things to the world… it again is THEFT, it’s a violation. Now at first I want to be angry and share, well men be careful cause I’m sure woman have a lot more on men then we can share to embarrass you! But instead a wise woman I know said to me we should make a movement and reclaim the nude selfie. I worried cause then in itself is giving permission for naked pictures of us to ever be on the internet. But I put this to you… isn’t better to be proud of it! Yes in that moment, you were in a loving relationship, you felt sexy, you had reasons for sharing your naked form and you felt great doing it… remember the way you felt when you sent it. And reclaim it as yours. #takebackyourphoto For anyone wanting to join, simply post the same photo with that hash tag… Or send me they photo and I will photoshop clothing or anything to cover you naked bits if you desire. But in every #takebackyourphoto Share the name of the person who betrayed your trust in sharing it to begin with! These men need to be aware what they have done is violating, it’s villainess it’s disgusting and women need to be warned about them. Share the villain and take back your photo

 

Medication…. lemme tell ya!

I am going to admit two things…

 One:- I am currently on anti-anxiety/depression medication

Two:- I was one of the those people very against going on medication

I wanted to admit these things, cause I feel not a lot of people are aware of just how common it is to experience anxiety and depression and may, like me, be reluctant to medication and a perspective on this could be useful, cause education is always good right!

 

My feeling towards medication was very much Tom Cruises…. I had an opinion on it based on nothing! I guess I just felt it made me weak cause I couldn’t handle a problem myself. And anxiety and depression already make you feel weak… like you can’t deal with things the same way others do, why is no one else extremely stressed out in the situations that cause me to melt down.

I know a lot of people get stressed, and I don’t ‘own’ anxiety, but I do feel a little bit like the word anxiety is thrown around a lot, maybe too much…. When I say anxiety about situations, I mean, heart palpitations, a stomach that feels like it’s going to churn out of my skin, extreme heat under my chest and face, unable to catch my breath, my brain clouding over and unable to focus on a single thought to stop it and yet hearing every negative thought you inner brain demon want to scream at you, to the point of crying, and basically feeling sick for a good time after the situation has passed. And always a headache.

Sounds fun huh. For years I just dealt with this as something I was, weak, couldn’t deal with anything so I would just try to avoid things that cause it as much as possible. Unfortunately this included a lot of things, trying new things, going out to crowded places, going out in general sometimes, public transport, jobs, meetings, losing jobs, calling in sick etc etc.  I have been told repeatedly I ‘m sensitive or emotional person, so I put it all just down to that… I must just be emotional.  It sucked when I felt like I was letting others down because of it, and I’m sure I have lost friends because of it to… of course they probably didn’t realise why wasn’t coming out, as I myself didn’t, they just got a lot of no’s from me so inevitably people stop trying.

But it all came to a breaking point this year. For some reason, I think my body had just had enough of living in the tense state it was in most of the time.  And I was beginning to have panic attacks… nightly… when I say panic attack, I mean the anxious feelings I mention before would start but it would go further to a point where I felt like drowning, not just I couldn’t breathe but to the point that I was actually suffocating in that very instant, I would clutch at my throat and pound on my chest, body convulsing to the point I was on my knees on the floor suddenly screaming and or crying uncontrollable with the accompaniment of snot and drool… awesome fun! These panic attacked were completely unprovoked… I would be just watching tv, reading… checking facebook and all the sudden a sharp pain would rip through my belly like I was going to hurl and it all flooded over me… and if I did manage to make it through a night without an attack you can bet your bottom dollar I would wake in the middle of the night with a night terror, screaming myself awake covered in sweat.  Obviously this kind of nightly activity does wonders for you in the day time to, while I was pretty happy I’ll be it stressed, I would start crying in the middle of the day.  I decided I need to see a doctor.

 

Seeing a doctor about these problems feels a little humiliating… how to describe these symptoms when you’re sitting there otherwise healthy and happy? But fortunately doctors know their shit!

I was given a questionnaire which is very for telling about what I was dealing with. After my result was calculated I was offered some therapy sessions and my doctor discussed with me taking medication.

(Side note: seeing your doctor about these issues, I found out that you are entitled to a certain number of free therapy sessions a year!  Seek therapy if you feel you need it, because it’s awesome helps a lot!)

 

When she said medication, I was immediately tense, I really wasn’t happy about the idea I couldn’t just get through this myself, even though I had just had validation in finding out not everyone deals with things this way, not everyone has anxiety, I have anxiety, it didn’t mean I was weak! I also had depression as a friend… I didn’t make me a sad person! These thoughts help, and I really can’t tell you why I was so objected to medication, do asthma suffers not take medication to help them breathe!  Hell did men not take pills to help them? What was my problem?

The truth is, there could be something chemical going on in your brain, like mine, it doesn’t produce enough of a certain chemical that you need. Maybe that chemical was low the day they were giving it out… but the gods decided to help us out and gave humans the ability to create in it  little pills… so it’s a chemical assist…

Again a fight within myself is, doesn’t a chemical assist mean I can’t handle things on my own… then miss logic appeared in my head (maybe she was helped by some of my awesome friends) but she said, having a little pill is in fact still doing it yourself you silly muppet… do you not wash your hair with shampoo…. That’s a chemical assist, but you are still washing it…. So you are getting a chemical assist to control anxiety and mood…you still sought help, you are the one taking it it’s still me… and do you really want to deal with another panic attack tonight. Gulp… Bottoms up!

 

I wasn’t sure how great these pills had been helping me…. I knew I was changed cause I can suddenly do a lot of things I couldn’t do before… today I realised even something small like parking my car in a busy car park was no trouble… yes even things like that.  Yesterday I had to face public transport.  A thing I had dreaded for a long time.  When I was 18, I used to travel from Brisbane to gold coast for work on the weekends.  Every Friday, I would feel sick.  My body was tense, headachy all day in dread for it… I had to change trains and the second was an express, I was constantly sure I was going to leave something of mine on a train, catch the wrong train… or something.  I would hate it if I needed to go the bathroom cause I would add miss the second train to my stress.  My anxiety was constant for the day leading up to the two and half hours of travel.  Constantly checking the screens, my watch, my ticket, the train numbers… have a backup plan for my back up plans back up plan and this was the time before mobile phones!

But yesterday I had to teach someone how to travel via bus, in Brisbane… teach someone… ahhh, to travel by bus… ahhh in Brisbane… ahhh. But amazingly I got through with little to no symptoms of anxiety, I wasn’t feeling sick, I wasn’t headachy, I wasn’t suddenly hot and uncomfortable or ready to cry and want for home and I could breathe fine. I sure, had a backup plan, but that’s just good sense.  But I got through the day confident and happily and it was actually pretty fun!

I wanted to immediately share this with other anxiety suffers, there is help out there! Sometimes in life we tend to go on auto pilot, living with thing that are burdens, cause we don’t want to make a fuss, you forget how much of a burden is it cause you get familiar with it, or you don’t know any different and until people actually have the conversation to know.  It’s like the frog in the boiling water and we were all slowly boiled because we were in it before it boiled.  But mostly I think its fear, and we should never be held back from seeking help cause of fear.  You shouldn’t be uncomfortable because of fear!  Maybe medication isn’t for you, maybe simply counselling is, maybe a lifestyle change is.  It might be hard at first, but the question is, it is better to try or continue you the way you are?

My journey continues finding a balance between sessions, lifestyle and exercise, it’s hard to break bad habits, but I know now I’m on the right road at least….

The only way I could describe it is, like hearing your neighbours playing a familiar hated song. I can just hear it and feel it but it’s behind a wall, muted a little, if I focus I can hear it clearer, but I don’t want to hear that song I hate… eventually I hope the song will go away, but for now having it muted is fine with me.

 

Words do hurt

Words do hurt!

In these times its not always east just to get out of the job you are in, we sometimes have to take work we aren’t delighted about to get by. But I work in the ‘caring’ industry, support work for not able bodied, I can’t stress enough how much the people there shouldn’t be suffering cause you don’t like you work… yet I have seen to much of this. It makes me sad. Our job, is to basically be the hands for the people in our care, to assist them in things they are unable to do themselves. Also to enrich their lives, help them live a day that they could if they weren’t disabled, and relied on others to do simply things like blowing their nose.

I work for three very special clients, all special in their own ways… for their own privacy I will not name them or be completely accurate when describing their personal qualities. For now I’ll refer to them as Bee, Cheshire and Chuckles.

What makes me angry, cringe, want to cry is when people are rude, unwilling or straight up don’t do these simple things. I’ve seen other workers (and I use the term loosely) answer “WHY?” when asked to close a computer, answer “No” when asked to get a tissue. Bring foul moods into this persons home cause of their own personal issues and then make Chuckles feel unable to ask for anything.

Can you imagine that feeling…. being trapped inside your own body and house, and not feeling like you can ask for anything, like going to the bathroom, a drink of water cause are afraid of what response you would get or putting someone out?

I have been able to tell now when the previous work to me has been particularly bad to Chuckles, it becomes apparent when I’m asked “if it’s okay” if he goes to the bathroom. “is it okay”

I’m not sure if others get into the industry cause they thought it would be easy and they want a job they don’t have to do much, I’m not sure if after a certain amount of time other forget what it must be like to not be able to do things for yourself, but that “is it okay” always grounds me…

No one should ever have to say “is it okay” if they get something they need, no one should ever be cautious of someone else’s mood and put them in further discomfort.

Our mission is make it easier for them, and instead others make if harder, to be constant ridicule of all the choices you make, subject to mockery from the people who are supposed to care for you… there is things said in jest… Chuckles and Bee especially like to make fun of me for the quirky things I do, I love it, we definitely have giggles back and forth, but I also make it known if I ever mock, that it’s followed with something loving said as well, in short they know I’m joking. It’s never in question. These people throughout ever day get looked out, gawked if you will, eyes will flitter and rest on them for their strange appearance or behaviour that’s just out side of the every day, they will get treated differently, talked down to, why should it be brought into their houses!

A little teasing I put forth is good, life shouldn’t be taking to serious, but I usually go with what their gauge is and match it. But others, don’t seem to have this filter, they make fun of to the point of what I have determined is verbal abuse, my theory is that these offenders suffer from a lack of confidence themselves, and use the other people they find weaker then themselves to feel superior.

You may ask, why oh why are these people still employed, this behaviour is disgusting. Because they are good are covering themselves, and the people they are taking ‘care’ of are kind gentle people that find it hard to complain or say bad things about anyone. How is one supposed to go to a manager or relative and say I don’t feel comfortable working with this person. When the repercussions for doing so could be worse, if the offenders find out. How can you put into words all the things that happen, when its not ground breaking enough like they are beating me. Verbal abuse is one of the hardest things, to deal with. It’s tricky to identify, hard to prove and near impossible to get over. What gets planted in your head is that this is ‘nothing’ it’s said in jest, and if you can’t deal with it it’s you being a ‘sook’ or ‘weak.’

When daily, words are planted, the seeds grow, they spread to other areas and self doubt, and belief in what is being said grows and grows. And sometimes you can’t even place where it originally began cause words are tricky like that!

And being told things by someone who is labelled your ‘Carer’ how do you not believe!

1000 stares

the force of a 100 eyes cast upon you

do you feel vulnerable in all you do

he knows this feeling all to well

into his normality it quickly fell

questions in their minds they will never ask

as only their eyes his way they will cast

but he happily make is way in this place

with a happy smile upon his face

he wears the burden of a 1000 stares

just cause there are wheels upon his chair

he’ll happily say howdy, or how is your day

if you are caught going his way

but rarely do your words find him

if only you could offer a grin

there is not harm he could cause

even if the sight of him gives you a pause

don’t be ashamed thoughts

those he hasn’t caught

merely say something, offer your words

maybe discover you’re both anime nerds

take the sadness out of you eyes

he asks no pity or made up lies

he is just like you when it gets right down

only he has a wheeled chair to get him around

but please next time you cast your stare

upon someone with a wheeled chair

try to feel what it’s like to wear

the burden of a 1000 stare

and please in stead offer a grin

it’s how everyone’s day should end, middle and begin

to write love on her arms

I had been worried about watching this movie… I knew the story behind it… I worried cause I feel unworthy.  I hear other peoples stories and I don’t come close. In comparison my life would seem like a theme park ride I’m sure.  Sunny days and rainbows.  I hear other peoples stories and I’m over come with guilt, I have no reason for mine.  but still that cloud comes sometimes.  A midnight panic attack that grips my heart, knots my stomach, my breath is uncatchable, the sweat pours and a blackness and emptiness that is pure indescribable to fathom over comes me I scream and cry and then try and find some way to get sleep.  Then other times, a sadness washes over me, and tears beat down the doors and I see no way out of this storm overwhelming me that I need to cause myself some kind of pain, I deserve it, or I need it to send me back to reality cause nothing else can quite do it like your sink tearing open and that dark red seeping out.  but I just can’t understand why.  other people have had actual tragities, or addiction, or depression… is that what I have? why am I sad sometimes, why does the world just seem to much? it’s not for attention… if people see my scars, I’m mostly embarrassed and cover with some stories of my cat scratched me, I’m embarrassed cause I know it’s stupid, I’m embarrassed cause I can’t really portray to someone why I do it, the reasons when you say them out loud are really stupid, but in the moment you can’t see that, they don’t feel stupid.

to write love on her arms reminded me that there are people like me. no matter our story, there are times when it gets hard, when you feel so alone it actually hurts your soul so much your body hurts.  times when the world gets so unbelievable hard you can’t help but be sure this is actually hell.  and it’s not that we are sad people or just need to cheer up or toughen up.  I am a happy person, I am tough… but sometimes I’m not, and I can’t… sometimes I cut my arm.

When was the last time you looked up?

 

I’m a lover of Facebook, I’m a lover of all social media… I found it has really brought me closer to others, I get to stay in touch and in peoples day to day lives when I’m not able to be there physically.  And it’s the small every day things that I believe get forgotten about in long distance relationships that ultimately drive people apart.  So for this I’m grateful for this modern age of technology, where I can see how someone’s day was, I can see their face, what they wore that day, what was on their mind and what emoji was the flavour of that day.

I have seen others come and go from Facebook back claiming ‘they need a break’ for a while.  I’ve talked to some of these people and asked what they needed a break from? They have admitted they got addicted, and let it rule their lives, they have admitted to using it as a ‘replacement’ for staying in contact with people and let them retreat into their own bubble.  I can definitely see how this can happen… it’s so easy to use our phones as the only means of communication… I made sure not to fall into this trap but asking myself, when was the last time I looked up… I didn’t mean to ask myself when I tilted my face towards the sun and felt it’s beautiful warmth… though that to is important. I meant looked up from the screen.   I remember sitting in food courts, before, I would eat and watch people happily, as an observer I loved watching peoples movements and faces.  Interactions with others, wondering what was being discussed, why they looked angry or happy.  Now less than two seconds in my seat and positioning my food around being able to see my phone screen properly my face was cast downward to it’s blue glare… I hated this, why did I need to fill this space, I used to love that space.  I used to love watching movies and not being disturbed, in fact talk to me about something not this movie related, whether it be the first time or the 50th time I’ve watched and you would have some squinted eyes and annoyed thoughts your way. But these days, I’m checking my phone within seconds of the opening credits.  When was the last time you looked up…

At work I could go hours in the ultimate slow day, not seeing another human and still have no need to press that button in hopes that in the last few seconds brought a new notification my way.

Being in a car with a someone, a person with intriguing thoughts of their own and we are choosing to scroll through facebook to see what it has to offer instead… cruising down the halls of a shopping centre we choose to be somewhat of a nuisance with eyes diverted down to our phones and people having to move around us to avoid a clash cause that social media just can’t wait.  And the most scary, I know some, who have absolutely no shame in not only admitting but practically boosting about checking and texting back while driving!  When was the last time you looked up!

Our phones didn’t come with an evil brain installed to absorb us… that I know of, we did this to ourselves, but that’s actually the good news, we did it, so we can undo it!   I, again am a lover of social media, but we can control ourselves and limit it to what we feel is the right amount.  I personally never want to PANICK if my phone goes flat, (unless it’s needed for emergency reasons) the reason you’re panicking, to me, shouldn’t be because I don’t know how to fill the time otherwise… I shouldn’t be willing to scratch my face off if someone says ‘no phones allowed at work’ my imagination and work duties are all I used to need. I would like to be able to ‘watch’ the whole movie, I never want a text message to be more important that my life, but certainly not more than someone else’s… I want to have a conversation with the person sitting next to me on a drive so the driver can also be entertained and not just from the noise from my phone that they themselves can’t watch.  I want to remember there is a world that is happing right in front of me, right now, and that later I can check on what happened elsewhere… I want to look up!

So I whenever I feel my hand reaching for my phone for the umpteen time, I ask myself, is that important, are you just bored? Or just simply, when was the last time you looked up?