Words do hurt

Words do hurt!

In these times its not always east just to get out of the job you are in, we sometimes have to take work we aren’t delighted about to get by. But I work in the ‘caring’ industry, support work for not able bodied, I can’t stress enough how much the people there shouldn’t be suffering cause you don’t like you work… yet I have seen to much of this. It makes me sad. Our job, is to basically be the hands for the people in our care, to assist them in things they are unable to do themselves. Also to enrich their lives, help them live a day that they could if they weren’t disabled, and relied on others to do simply things like blowing their nose.

I work for three very special clients, all special in their own ways… for their own privacy I will not name them or be completely accurate when describing their personal qualities. For now I’ll refer to them as Bee, Cheshire and Chuckles.

What makes me angry, cringe, want to cry is when people are rude, unwilling or straight up don’t do these simple things. I’ve seen other workers (and I use the term loosely) answer “WHY?” when asked to close a computer, answer “No” when asked to get a tissue. Bring foul moods into this persons home cause of their own personal issues and then make Chuckles feel unable to ask for anything.

Can you imagine that feeling…. being trapped inside your own body and house, and not feeling like you can ask for anything, like going to the bathroom, a drink of water cause are afraid of what response you would get or putting someone out?

I have been able to tell now when the previous work to me has been particularly bad to Chuckles, it becomes apparent when I’m asked “if it’s okay” if he goes to the bathroom. “is it okay”

I’m not sure if others get into the industry cause they thought it would be easy and they want a job they don’t have to do much, I’m not sure if after a certain amount of time other forget what it must be like to not be able to do things for yourself, but that “is it okay” always grounds me…

No one should ever have to say “is it okay” if they get something they need, no one should ever be cautious of someone else’s mood and put them in further discomfort.

Our mission is make it easier for them, and instead others make if harder, to be constant ridicule of all the choices you make, subject to mockery from the people who are supposed to care for you… there is things said in jest… Chuckles and Bee especially like to make fun of me for the quirky things I do, I love it, we definitely have giggles back and forth, but I also make it known if I ever mock, that it’s followed with something loving said as well, in short they know I’m joking. It’s never in question. These people throughout ever day get looked out, gawked if you will, eyes will flitter and rest on them for their strange appearance or behaviour that’s just out side of the every day, they will get treated differently, talked down to, why should it be brought into their houses!

A little teasing I put forth is good, life shouldn’t be taking to serious, but I usually go with what their gauge is and match it. But others, don’t seem to have this filter, they make fun of to the point of what I have determined is verbal abuse, my theory is that these offenders suffer from a lack of confidence themselves, and use the other people they find weaker then themselves to feel superior.

You may ask, why oh why are these people still employed, this behaviour is disgusting. Because they are good are covering themselves, and the people they are taking ‘care’ of are kind gentle people that find it hard to complain or say bad things about anyone. How is one supposed to go to a manager or relative and say I don’t feel comfortable working with this person. When the repercussions for doing so could be worse, if the offenders find out. How can you put into words all the things that happen, when its not ground breaking enough like they are beating me. Verbal abuse is one of the hardest things, to deal with. It’s tricky to identify, hard to prove and near impossible to get over. What gets planted in your head is that this is ‘nothing’ it’s said in jest, and if you can’t deal with it it’s you being a ‘sook’ or ‘weak.’

When daily, words are planted, the seeds grow, they spread to other areas and self doubt, and belief in what is being said grows and grows. And sometimes you can’t even place where it originally began cause words are tricky like that!

And being told things by someone who is labelled your ‘Carer’ how do you not believe!


1000 stares

the force of a 100 eyes cast upon you

do you feel vulnerable in all you do

he knows this feeling all to well

into his normality it quickly fell

questions in their minds they will never ask

as only their eyes his way they will cast

but he happily make is way in this place

with a happy smile upon his face

he wears the burden of a 1000 stares

just cause there are wheels upon his chair

he’ll happily say howdy, or how is your day

if you are caught going his way

but rarely do your words find him

if only you could offer a grin

there is not harm he could cause

even if the sight of him gives you a pause

don’t be ashamed thoughts

those he hasn’t caught

merely say something, offer your words

maybe discover you’re both anime nerds

take the sadness out of you eyes

he asks no pity or made up lies

he is just like you when it gets right down

only he has a wheeled chair to get him around

but please next time you cast your stare

upon someone with a wheeled chair

try to feel what it’s like to wear

the burden of a 1000 stare

and please in stead offer a grin

it’s how everyone’s day should end, middle and begin

to write love on her arms

I had been worried about watching this movie… I knew the story behind it… I worried cause I feel unworthy.  I hear other peoples stories and I don’t come close. In comparison my life would seem like a theme park ride I’m sure.  Sunny days and rainbows.  I hear other peoples stories and I’m over come with guilt, I have no reason for mine.  but still that cloud comes sometimes.  A midnight panic attack that grips my heart, knots my stomach, my breath is uncatchable, the sweat pours and a blackness and emptiness that is pure indescribable to fathom over comes me I scream and cry and then try and find some way to get sleep.  Then other times, a sadness washes over me, and tears beat down the doors and I see no way out of this storm overwhelming me that I need to cause myself some kind of pain, I deserve it, or I need it to send me back to reality cause nothing else can quite do it like your sink tearing open and that dark red seeping out.  but I just can’t understand why.  other people have had actual tragities, or addiction, or depression… is that what I have? why am I sad sometimes, why does the world just seem to much? it’s not for attention… if people see my scars, I’m mostly embarrassed and cover with some stories of my cat scratched me, I’m embarrassed cause I know it’s stupid, I’m embarrassed cause I can’t really portray to someone why I do it, the reasons when you say them out loud are really stupid, but in the moment you can’t see that, they don’t feel stupid.

to write love on her arms reminded me that there are people like me. no matter our story, there are times when it gets hard, when you feel so alone it actually hurts your soul so much your body hurts.  times when the world gets so unbelievable hard you can’t help but be sure this is actually hell.  and it’s not that we are sad people or just need to cheer up or toughen up.  I am a happy person, I am tough… but sometimes I’m not, and I can’t… sometimes I cut my arm.

When was the last time you looked up?


I’m a lover of Facebook, I’m a lover of all social media… I found it has really brought me closer to others, I get to stay in touch and in peoples day to day lives when I’m not able to be there physically.  And it’s the small every day things that I believe get forgotten about in long distance relationships that ultimately drive people apart.  So for this I’m grateful for this modern age of technology, where I can see how someone’s day was, I can see their face, what they wore that day, what was on their mind and what emoji was the flavour of that day.

I have seen others come and go from Facebook back claiming ‘they need a break’ for a while.  I’ve talked to some of these people and asked what they needed a break from? They have admitted they got addicted, and let it rule their lives, they have admitted to using it as a ‘replacement’ for staying in contact with people and let them retreat into their own bubble.  I can definitely see how this can happen… it’s so easy to use our phones as the only means of communication… I made sure not to fall into this trap but asking myself, when was the last time I looked up… I didn’t mean to ask myself when I tilted my face towards the sun and felt it’s beautiful warmth… though that to is important. I meant looked up from the screen.   I remember sitting in food courts, before, I would eat and watch people happily, as an observer I loved watching peoples movements and faces.  Interactions with others, wondering what was being discussed, why they looked angry or happy.  Now less than two seconds in my seat and positioning my food around being able to see my phone screen properly my face was cast downward to it’s blue glare… I hated this, why did I need to fill this space, I used to love that space.  I used to love watching movies and not being disturbed, in fact talk to me about something not this movie related, whether it be the first time or the 50th time I’ve watched and you would have some squinted eyes and annoyed thoughts your way. But these days, I’m checking my phone within seconds of the opening credits.  When was the last time you looked up…

At work I could go hours in the ultimate slow day, not seeing another human and still have no need to press that button in hopes that in the last few seconds brought a new notification my way.

Being in a car with a someone, a person with intriguing thoughts of their own and we are choosing to scroll through facebook to see what it has to offer instead… cruising down the halls of a shopping centre we choose to be somewhat of a nuisance with eyes diverted down to our phones and people having to move around us to avoid a clash cause that social media just can’t wait.  And the most scary, I know some, who have absolutely no shame in not only admitting but practically boosting about checking and texting back while driving!  When was the last time you looked up!

Our phones didn’t come with an evil brain installed to absorb us… that I know of, we did this to ourselves, but that’s actually the good news, we did it, so we can undo it!   I, again am a lover of social media, but we can control ourselves and limit it to what we feel is the right amount.  I personally never want to PANICK if my phone goes flat, (unless it’s needed for emergency reasons) the reason you’re panicking, to me, shouldn’t be because I don’t know how to fill the time otherwise… I shouldn’t be willing to scratch my face off if someone says ‘no phones allowed at work’ my imagination and work duties are all I used to need. I would like to be able to ‘watch’ the whole movie, I never want a text message to be more important that my life, but certainly not more than someone else’s… I want to have a conversation with the person sitting next to me on a drive so the driver can also be entertained and not just from the noise from my phone that they themselves can’t watch.  I want to remember there is a world that is happing right in front of me, right now, and that later I can check on what happened elsewhere… I want to look up!

So I whenever I feel my hand reaching for my phone for the umpteen time, I ask myself, is that important, are you just bored? Or just simply, when was the last time you looked up?

Fifty Shades whhaaaa

Why I didn’t like the movie… a ramble…
lets start with first off, yes I liked the books, and before you go off… I liked my reworking of the books…I will always stand behind these books… as I worked in an adult store before and after the books entered the world, I saw just want it to the industry and will be forever grateful as it opened up peoples minds, relationships and thoughts towards sex and all the comes with it (ha pun intended) it made a taboo subject mainstream… it got people talking to each other which leads to a better understanding and better relationships and sex… so fifty shades hoary!
it’s an easy to read book as well… and it’s not written that great, I’m sorry but it’s not, I could have done with some rewrites, so I took a pen and crossed out lines and dog eared my favs so I don’t have to read all the stuff I found bad :/ but all that aside, I did like and I do reread.

when the movie was pitched, I was pretty happy, I’m not one to be snobby about books turned into movies, I like it, they are two completely different mediums so they aren’t comparable… one books are really about you and your imagination and how you tone it extra… movies are the complete opposite, it’s dangerous if someone takes a book you hold dear and has a different take on it that you did… but all in all, as I re read my favs a lot it’s nice to have a quicker way of experiencing it if you aren’t in the reading frame of mind…
I knew fifty shades would be different, due to the high amount of sex and I wondered if it was gonna be any good, but I had intended to still give it a shot.
first came the casting choices… I was a bit disappointed… I remember when names got thrown around and I made the mistake of latching on to ideas… big mistake!!
When the final choices were made, I was bummed, I just didn’t see Christian like that, and Ana either for that matter, I accepted this though cause we all saw him as we idolize, yes there is a description in the book, but when you refer to him as just good looking throughout the rest we can kind of take our own liberties…
now don’t get me wrong, these actors are both good looking… but just not what I pictured…
then came the trailer…
the elevator scene, hmmm yeah alright… but the rest, I’m sorry but why are they speaking so softly? she almost has baby voice… I was to say the least, underwhelmed.

I decided to wait, I was in no hurry to see it, I was fairly sure it was going to disappoint me and I wanted to put that off, but I just had to see it…

the movie

finally decided to see it…

yes baby talk?? throughout, dang it… I have nothing against the actors per say, ‘Ana’ actually surprised me at first, she had a cute moment early on that almost had me turn to her side, but then lost me again quickly… I really didn’t like her hair… I know that nit picking, but hey…Christian while good looking, and I don’t blame the actor for the ramble that follows, but I heard his accent… whoopsy….

Is that what they think!!

This is what bothers me about this and other movies, there is an image out there now, that the reason why women like fifty shades is because his rich, good looking and buys her things…
the movie took away everything I ACTUALLY liked about Christian!
I don’t give a crap about his money! I don’t give a crap about him buying her expensive things, I liked the fact that Ana really refused them (at first) which wasn’t really portrayed in the movie if at all.
Christian is a confident, domineering, cold business man, who slowly changes with his relationship with Ana, he softens slowly, he has a sense of humour.
These moments, in the book show… and come out more so, particularly when he makes love to her for the first time, and all the things he says to her…

in the movie – no words spoken

in fact in the books mostly Christian comes out just before, during or after sex with the words he says and in the movie, there is no words… at all :/

the morning after, he asks how she is and how it was for her… also while being pretty sexy about it…

in the movie – no words spoken

when she writes a email saying it was nice knowing him… this scene is probably the closest to the book, however still not many words spoken 😦

the first time he spanks her he is turned on and has sex again, then leaves and returns after an email from her that she might no like him anymore, he takes care of her and stays the night…

in the movie – he spanks her and leaves

above the boat house scene, in the book an important scene that demonstrates that Ana does in fact have power, he is going to spank her and she says no, it’s a great scene…

in the movie – different!

Ana – was shy about her body at first at least and he told her not to be, in the sexy complimentary and domineering way he does – in the movie, she is walking around in see through shirts, comes out of the bedroom naked after the first love making all freely and strips pretty un-shy if you ask me

him worrying about her! the change up with the discussing the contract scene I was worried about when it didn’t take place at dinner, he didn’t walk her to car and didn’t see her car to be worried about her on her drive home mix with her not answering and then Shanghai her at the graduation ceremony displaying his concern…and of course his control ways but also showing us a little emotional side to him escaping in just how much she is getting to him and what it means when he’s not in control….

in the movie – he didn’t walk her to her car, there was no showing he had worried about her that night, no coming to talk to her a bit unravelled and just buying her a new car… that didn’t even have they coolest part of their discussion about the new car he brought …. grrrrr

I really could go on, but these things bother me most of all… there is more to his character then was depicted in the movie, and like I said it bothers me cause now there is an image that I like him cause of his wealth, good looks and the fact he buys her everything! soooo not the case
complicated, flawed…he’s dominate, power mad, sometimes a jerk, a subtle humour, cares about her, looks after her (not in the money sense) enjoys she looks after him, he’s kinky as hell, complimentary, yet actually listens, relinquishes control when needed, admires her intelligence, shares interest, very forth coming when he is turned on…
I find it interesting cause twilight suffered much the same book to movie changes (which is funny as fifty shades is a fan fiction from twilight)
and it suggested the same thing… the tone of the story changed, and Edward was really shown as very similar to the way Christian is in the movie and again shares this image with the world that that is why we liked them! Edward to, has humour, talks more then he does in the movie, there is so much more to him then just his looks and money.

Can I just say, that is not what I want!! I don’t want a millionaire ‘greek god’ douchebag who is only facial expressions, long stares and follows me to the point of stalking…. though an interest in me and my safety is pretty sweet 😀
I like everything else about them…. they were closed off until the met this particular girl… they might be controlling, (and in the bedroom that is just fine and dandy 😉 but it comes from a good place, and they do actually listen when the girl is vehemently against what they are talking about! they have tender moments, humour and sarcasm, like intelligence… and the females back need to show more as well!
we care just as much, we want to protect them just as much, hurt when they hurt, want to call them ‘mine’ just as much… ahhh
fifty shades of zzzzzzz

Things to start with….

Hello drifter, knowledge seeker,

realistically hello me.

I want a space to record and keep and treasure, my moments of finding wisdom, luminous moments and things I desperately want my future kids to know and learn and cherish.

I enjoy biographies, and whilst reading, there usually comes a part where they impart knowledge they have learnt, I love getting advice and wisdom from people, when I start to hear someone speaking of such things I feel my body open to accept these words.

whether you follow or not is different, some just don’t know what the fuck they are talking about, but it’s always best to hear, it’s how we evolve and learn and that is so important