amidst distraction

my battle continues from immensely overpower sadness to being the happy eccentric version of myself I like… lately it’s been mostly the latter, I have managed to fill my days with events, family and acquiring knowledge.  So stopping to listen to the whispers in my ears and mind has been a lot harder and far between… however distractions never work forever and unless plans in place to remove of fight the whispers they do become shouting to thunderous roars don’t they….

my mind has been circling like a shark with constant thoughts of my parents the last few days like jaws about to take her bite, I wonder if they miss me… I highly doubt it as they live close and still choose to have no contact or place in my life…. I know i’m to blame as well, I never wrote them off and they haven’t me, but no effort is made on their parts, and I stopped mine long ago after numerous attempts with no avail… I do miss them, I miss movie talks with my father, he’s ‘dad jokes’ I have heard a dozens of times,  I miss him with my step mother, and playing like an actual tv family when I lived with them for a short while.  a mother and father a dinner table having conversations, cleaning up after dinner and watching tv together.  I miss my mom’s lame dancing, when we would put on records and listen to music, I miss making her laugh so hard she peed her pants…. I miss looking after her house actually, I miss being the mother there and relying on myself to get things done and them getting done.  I miss the idea I guess.  But as my woe is me world of late and the knowledge and remembrance of the many who have actual bailed out of being amongst my life, I’ve caught myself wondering if they miss me, I, me would never tempt such a thought, but the monster does, do they wonder about me, do they see things some times that remind them of me, do they worry about me at all…. Monster equates with your own parents don’t care about you of course no one else is going to…. I wasn’t abandoned on a church step, I wasn’t given up for adoption, I wasn’t lost one day in a department store or kidnapped, my parents live 15 mins away and 1 hour away, I visit others in the same house and I’ll get barely hello, how’s your life…. why are they not curious about me, how can you be with in arms reach of your own family and not reach out.

my heart hurts, my story continues;

Toil and Trouble

I think I’m having a harder time then i’m willing to admit.  I feel that one such as me that is on varied medication shouldn’t still be having low lows…. But I am… I’m needing to fill every minute, but it has to be certain distractions, I can’t practise things as I’ll feel stupid… i’m restless, i’m sad, i’m spending money I don’t have.

A hard thing about when you need help, is not knowing how to ask, or what exactly I need.  People of course are lovely and say if you need anything… blah blah, but how do you call someone or text them and say um i’m feeling really crap, I can’t sit still and listen to you yet I need your distraction, I can’t hear a compliment but I need to hear something nice, I need to stop spending money, but I need certain things…. it’s hard to ask for something you don’t know how to express much less know what I actually need.

as I said in my last post, when you write the way you are feeling they are just words floating on a white screen… saying them out loud, like the words expressed last post… sound ridiculously lame, it doesn’t match the feeling, the mood or the body reaction, in fact you say it out loud and it sounds stupid, humiliating and petty….

oh I’m lonely, no body loves me, i’m so fucking tired. i’m disgustingly fat.  I want to do things but I can’t get up…. that’ all sounds so childish but it’s not!

The feelings i’m feeling, helpless, restless, unbearably sad, hopeless.  I want to cry, i feel a vast emptiness… i want to hug my sisters and my nieces but i don’t want my sadness to come close to them.  My heart hurts.

I didn’t get to see my pyscologist today,  i had to word and the next person came late, I wasn’t angry with her, I didn’t get to speak to my pyscologist but his secretary…. I feel like this was a huge event for me, missing it, i wanted to talk, to cry, to have a hug, and  no one around me noticed or cared….

where are the stones…. my path seems halted, my foot hovers over emptiness, i can’t see my stones!

my story continues;

Rumble, ramble

Today I’m not doing great

Rumblings are fighting in my head, I am horrible bitch because of me wanting my client to do certain things so his life will be better. I feel like I go into nag mode and am super annoying. Then later he’s not even listening to me about when I talk about some things that mean something to me, and he cuts me off to talk out loud to himself about something about himself.   Of course, I think, no one wants to hear about my stuff, no one ever wants to hear about stuff that means a lot to me and, why would they? I suck.  I failed at cheering two people up that are such nice people I have taken it very hard.  I seemed to say the wrong thing and made two different people feel worse.  The demon in my head is telling me I make everything about me.  But it’s really not about that.  I feel like at very least my life is for other people and I can’t even do that right! I’m worthless and useless and feel like everyone would be loads better off if I wasn’t around.   With all my issues, I must make loads of things harder for everyone! 

There are people out there with real problems and I can’t get through a fucking day without freaking out over something.  Or feeling horrible about something.  I really don’t have that much power though.  I have very little friends, but those little I do I must be so annoying.

I hate this so much, I hate writing it down cause words fall so flat on this page.  Letters floating on a white screen look so lacking.  The body reacting to these thoughts is so much to it, the dark shadow behind my eyes, moisture leaking.  Heart racing. but heavy chest tight.   My body literally feeling like something heavy is laying on top of me, there is a burn under my skin that is itching to be hurt, I want to drag my knife upon my skin searing it open and feel the punishment of my living when I shouldn’t be.  I want feel pain that I can identify with blood or bruise rather than this disgusting feeling I have in my heart, my soul, my mind, the sickness in my stomach. I feel flat, deflated.  My eyes sting.  Yet I’ll continue tonight, not because I have changed my mind, or positively view tomorrow as a new day and this shit will pass… logically sure I know that.  I will put on my smile and continue cause I’m to chicken shit to do anything else right now… sorry world for now the burden of my existence must continue…. I can’t apologize enough.

My story continues;

Medication costs argh! Being crazy is hard on the bank account.

Here is a vicious cycle for you….

 

As of right now, I’m on two different anxiety medications, a mood stabilizer and have just been given a prescription to start another mood stabilizer…. Now obviously, I won’t need all these forever.  But for the time being…. Can you say cha ching… or PRICEY! These are also not the cheapest things in the world…. So having to take 4 different kind is costing my pretty pennies….

The latest one, I just found out will cost close to $200 for 30.  This I had to turn down for the time being as… ouch! But it got me thinking of this awful merry go round.  Without the mood stabilizer, I will continue to have extreme lows, question my self-worth and all that goes along with it…. Yet if I were to buy, my money problems would get more serve, I might not be able to afford all my bills and then I would go into extreme lows etc…

Or are they so good that you can see you bank account reading zero and still be happy…. Like having one of those step ford smiles on your face as your fridge holds no food and you power goes off and say at least I’m happy, te he.

Then I question the motives of such pricey medication… of course maybe it’s the ingredients or the research behind it we are paying for? But obviously, people buying mood stabilizing drugs, have problems like mine…. Now I’m gonna get dark here, but what if we all couldn’t afford to buy it, and then continue our low moods and spiral worse cause we feel ever more helpless at knowing there could be help but we can’t afford it and we all take our own lives…. Then the government would have loads of less people to tax and score money from….

If you ask me they are just not using their noggins….

Ah alas I’m just venting…. I’m anxious cause I haven’t been able to afford my second anxiety medication so I’m on half my dose, my mood stabilizer is finished as of tomorrow and I’ll need to buy the new one as well…. This is completely undoable really… I’ll have to choose which to get this week and then next week.  Right now I’m close to tears and wish I was just better… I wish I could budget better…. I wish I could buy all the medication other people in similar need for them to and we could all group hug together.   The fight continues.  Monster is telling me I’m useless and stupid… I impulse spent to much before I remembered my medications.  Thanks dude for kicking me when I’m down…

No stone stepped this week, but wait, I wrote about it, I journaled, I am here getting it out and inside of letting things fester in my head dwelling around the drain of ‘you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot’ that counts right? Okay you know what I’m gonna count it as a pebble. No stone stepped but there was a pebble 😃 okay.

My story continues;

The Monsters from under our beds…. have moved to our heads.

So I’ve been told recently that writing about depression can be good for oneself as an outlet I guess….

I always wanted to talk about it in the sense of telling people they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts, it can be incredibly lonely having these thoughts and emotions and when you hear someone else describing similar afflictions it’s almost liberating.

Of course this disease, if you will, is different for everyone.   However, knowing others feel similar can be incredible comforting.

So instead of rambling, about my own problems in hopes to get some perspective, I will come at it as hoping to help others because that always drives me a little more than anything self-serving.

 

I deal with depression.  I don’t like to say suffer, though it definitely is a suffer age, I don’t like to say suffer, it makes me feel like a victim and not someone who is trying to help oneself, I’m sorry if you have no problem saying suffer, but it’s just not a word I like to use.

I deal with it, daily.   I’m going to be honest, cause in the biggest sense I’m really talking to myself.  Acceptance blah blah blah

I deal with it daily, cause a least hourly some thought of negativity about myself will dwell inside my head.   I tend to have more than one inner monologue at one time.  The current what I am doing, the planning ahead   and the negative affliction of what is going one.  Right now, my head is thinking for example of the sentence I’m currently completing, the next paragraph I wish to start, and the demon that is telling me that I’m worthless, stupid and why would anyone want to listen to anything I have to say I should shut up and crawl away…. Yes, he’s fun isn’t he.  This demon is a constant voice in my head.  I can ignore him and just have him running in the back ground like a TV rerun, as I’m kind of used to the voice in my head and what he’s saying.  But other times, he grips me with his talons and the pain that splits my head, mind and body in two is too much to bare.   He’s good at reaching me in vulnerable times. Those times when you aren’t thinking, you’re having fun with your friends and someone snaps a picture you are in the background of, I wasn’t thinking of seeing me and then there I am… and then he is there “oh look how disgusting you are, I bet everyone is so embarrassed to have you out with them right now.  You’re bringing them down with your disgustingness” Gee thanks mister demon, I was having fun a minute ago, now I feel ashamed for having fun. But I don’t want to feel ashamed right now cause my friends are having fun and if I suddenly get sad they will stop having fun and need to cheer me up with lies… I’m such a burden…

Oh, it’s a fun circle in my head isn’t it.

Along with constant quips about my useless and worthless nature, he likes to remind me of being a burden on all I know, he likes to say horrid things to me constantly however a constant battle I have with him is the battle of self-harm.

Alas, the thing that makes me feel the most crazy, it’s an embarrassing thing more than anything, I wish to ignore the urge, that seeps in like an addiction to have something hurt me, the demon tells me I should be punished, I need to be in pain for anything he finds stupid, or burdening.

I did something stupid, I need to bleed, I disappointed someone, I need to bleed.

Slowly to oh you didn’t get enough attention, no one said your shirt was nice, why would you expect that…. You’re disgusting… you need to bleed.

I felt better when my self-harm was link more to an overwhelming cloud of stress that I couldn’t get out from under and I knew logic and answers were here but I just couldn’t reach them for the storm, digging into my arm was a way to anchor myself back to earth, to look at the blood seeping through my skin and think holy fuck that was incredibly stupid, oh hey logic here you are! I find all the answers.  Now however, its shift to, all kinds of ways to hurt myself to be in constant pain in the sense of that’s what I deserve.  It’s crazy I know! Logic has no sense here! I cut my toes till they bleed, have blisters on my feet, banged wrists on sharp edges and taken razors to my arm, not to wish death…. Well not at first, but to wish harm, my mind is telling me I deserve to be in constant discomfort.

 

Oh, this is so embarrassing to share all this. But again, I hope that others see it and go oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one that nuts!
For the worried… I am seeking help and you should to. There are ways for us.  I went to my GP who put me on a mental health care plan.  I have appointments with both Psychiatrist and Psychologist

Being bulked billed as well.  I have tried different medications, some for anxiety which I noticed a difference and one for anti-depressant.  While I did notice a bit of a change, I’m now about to try a mood stabilizer so we’ll see how that goes.  While I’m still in it, a small part of me feels better for seeking help and being on medication.  Hope that the stones I’m stepping on are leading to the way out.

 

Previous to meds and doctors I had tried all the other natural ways to get better, exercise, diet changes, hobbies, journals etc. etc., while I still won’t give up on these.  I feel I need to dig deeper and try other things.  As depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, medication could help balance me out and get better.

 

I guess I wanted to put this out there again for others who deal with similar things… an honest approach to it all…. Writings from deep in it.  And Hopes for some answers.

For now, my story continues;

TAKE BACK YOU NUDE SELFIE!

I’m outraged and disgusted at the moment upon hearing of a facebook page supported by males, and posting naked pictures of Ex girlfriends. While that in itself is horrible. It goes further, one there is nothing the girls can do about getting the photos down cause apparently you loose rights to your own pictures the minute you send them somewhere, two, any woman pleading to get the photos down succumbs to mockery and three, people are blaming the woman more.

I want to take you back for a minute, to when the celebrity nude selfie scandal was around, I saw so many people blaming the woman, for taking the photos in the first place and storing them on their phones…. I still cannot get my head around this notion. Your phone is YOUR PROPERTY. If you are in a trusted relationship why wouldn’t you send intimate photos and conversation to each other, I’m sure everyone does. And you would all hate anything to get out. But there is simply nothing wrong with exploring your own sexuality and feeling good to take photos of yourself on your personal property. But what I don’t is why everyone is like “oh well she should have known better” “that’s what you get” I’m sorry but this is THEFT! Someone had to HACK into their phones to get it. If someone had broke into their house and stolen photos, would you be saying the same thing. A persons bag is stolen people don’t go around saying you should have a bag. What about a mother having photos of their child on their phones, and then those photos stolen for paedophile websites, would it be her fault!? Everyone stores their own photos of their phones, because it is their PERSONAL device, we put passwords etc to lock them, but if someone breaks into it’s THEFT, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what the victims have done. And I am appalled that anyone anywhere would think differently. If a house gets broken into, it’s the robbers fault, a bank, the robbers, a business the robbers, but apparently a personal device isn’t? People these days steal movies and music constantly and nobody goes around saying its movie company’s fault. Now again this battle is faced, which baffles me, it’s our fault for sending sexy pictures to a boyfriend, yet everywhere the use of a female sexy posed to sell things in advertisement. It’s held up as an idol, so to try and maybe compete, or draw attention back to us, or even cause we think that’s what they want cause it’s postered everywhere, or hell even if you felt sexy and decided to send him a photo in preparation the next time you two see eachother, what ever the reason, we send a sexy photo, to our boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with that, when that boyfriend turns ex FOR WHATEVER REASON there is no right on their part to share trusted things to the world… it again is THEFT, it’s a violation. Now at first I want to be angry and share, well men be careful cause I’m sure woman have a lot more on men then we can share to embarrass you! But instead a wise woman I know said to me we should make a movement and reclaim the nude selfie. I worried cause then in itself is giving permission for naked pictures of us to ever be on the internet. But I put this to you… isn’t better to be proud of it! Yes in that moment, you were in a loving relationship, you felt sexy, you had reasons for sharing your naked form and you felt great doing it… remember the way you felt when you sent it. And reclaim it as yours. #takebackyourphoto For anyone wanting to join, simply post the same photo with that hash tag… Or send me they photo and I will photoshop clothing or anything to cover you naked bits if you desire. But in every #takebackyourphoto Share the name of the person who betrayed your trust in sharing it to begin with! These men need to be aware what they have done is violating, it’s villainess it’s disgusting and women need to be warned about them. Share the villain and take back your photo

 

Medication…. lemme tell ya!

I am going to admit two things…

 One:- I am currently on anti-anxiety/depression medication

Two:- I was one of the those people very against going on medication

I wanted to admit these things, cause I feel not a lot of people are aware of just how common it is to experience anxiety and depression and may, like me, be reluctant to medication and a perspective on this could be useful, cause education is always good right!

 

My feeling towards medication was very much Tom Cruises…. I had an opinion on it based on nothing! I guess I just felt it made me weak cause I couldn’t handle a problem myself. And anxiety and depression already make you feel weak… like you can’t deal with things the same way others do, why is no one else extremely stressed out in the situations that cause me to melt down.

I know a lot of people get stressed, and I don’t ‘own’ anxiety, but I do feel a little bit like the word anxiety is thrown around a lot, maybe too much…. When I say anxiety about situations, I mean, heart palpitations, a stomach that feels like it’s going to churn out of my skin, extreme heat under my chest and face, unable to catch my breath, my brain clouding over and unable to focus on a single thought to stop it and yet hearing every negative thought you inner brain demon want to scream at you, to the point of crying, and basically feeling sick for a good time after the situation has passed. And always a headache.

Sounds fun huh. For years I just dealt with this as something I was, weak, couldn’t deal with anything so I would just try to avoid things that cause it as much as possible. Unfortunately this included a lot of things, trying new things, going out to crowded places, going out in general sometimes, public transport, jobs, meetings, losing jobs, calling in sick etc etc.  I have been told repeatedly I ‘m sensitive or emotional person, so I put it all just down to that… I must just be emotional.  It sucked when I felt like I was letting others down because of it, and I’m sure I have lost friends because of it to… of course they probably didn’t realise why wasn’t coming out, as I myself didn’t, they just got a lot of no’s from me so inevitably people stop trying.

But it all came to a breaking point this year. For some reason, I think my body had just had enough of living in the tense state it was in most of the time.  And I was beginning to have panic attacks… nightly… when I say panic attack, I mean the anxious feelings I mention before would start but it would go further to a point where I felt like drowning, not just I couldn’t breathe but to the point that I was actually suffocating in that very instant, I would clutch at my throat and pound on my chest, body convulsing to the point I was on my knees on the floor suddenly screaming and or crying uncontrollable with the accompaniment of snot and drool… awesome fun! These panic attacked were completely unprovoked… I would be just watching tv, reading… checking facebook and all the sudden a sharp pain would rip through my belly like I was going to hurl and it all flooded over me… and if I did manage to make it through a night without an attack you can bet your bottom dollar I would wake in the middle of the night with a night terror, screaming myself awake covered in sweat.  Obviously this kind of nightly activity does wonders for you in the day time to, while I was pretty happy I’ll be it stressed, I would start crying in the middle of the day.  I decided I need to see a doctor.

 

Seeing a doctor about these problems feels a little humiliating… how to describe these symptoms when you’re sitting there otherwise healthy and happy? But fortunately doctors know their shit!

I was given a questionnaire which is very for telling about what I was dealing with. After my result was calculated I was offered some therapy sessions and my doctor discussed with me taking medication.

(Side note: seeing your doctor about these issues, I found out that you are entitled to a certain number of free therapy sessions a year!  Seek therapy if you feel you need it, because it’s awesome helps a lot!)

 

When she said medication, I was immediately tense, I really wasn’t happy about the idea I couldn’t just get through this myself, even though I had just had validation in finding out not everyone deals with things this way, not everyone has anxiety, I have anxiety, it didn’t mean I was weak! I also had depression as a friend… I didn’t make me a sad person! These thoughts help, and I really can’t tell you why I was so objected to medication, do asthma suffers not take medication to help them breathe!  Hell did men not take pills to help them? What was my problem?

The truth is, there could be something chemical going on in your brain, like mine, it doesn’t produce enough of a certain chemical that you need. Maybe that chemical was low the day they were giving it out… but the gods decided to help us out and gave humans the ability to create in it  little pills… so it’s a chemical assist…

Again a fight within myself is, doesn’t a chemical assist mean I can’t handle things on my own… then miss logic appeared in my head (maybe she was helped by some of my awesome friends) but she said, having a little pill is in fact still doing it yourself you silly muppet… do you not wash your hair with shampoo…. That’s a chemical assist, but you are still washing it…. So you are getting a chemical assist to control anxiety and mood…you still sought help, you are the one taking it it’s still me… and do you really want to deal with another panic attack tonight. Gulp… Bottoms up!

 

I wasn’t sure how great these pills had been helping me…. I knew I was changed cause I can suddenly do a lot of things I couldn’t do before… today I realised even something small like parking my car in a busy car park was no trouble… yes even things like that.  Yesterday I had to face public transport.  A thing I had dreaded for a long time.  When I was 18, I used to travel from Brisbane to gold coast for work on the weekends.  Every Friday, I would feel sick.  My body was tense, headachy all day in dread for it… I had to change trains and the second was an express, I was constantly sure I was going to leave something of mine on a train, catch the wrong train… or something.  I would hate it if I needed to go the bathroom cause I would add miss the second train to my stress.  My anxiety was constant for the day leading up to the two and half hours of travel.  Constantly checking the screens, my watch, my ticket, the train numbers… have a backup plan for my back up plans back up plan and this was the time before mobile phones!

But yesterday I had to teach someone how to travel via bus, in Brisbane… teach someone… ahhh, to travel by bus… ahhh in Brisbane… ahhh. But amazingly I got through with little to no symptoms of anxiety, I wasn’t feeling sick, I wasn’t headachy, I wasn’t suddenly hot and uncomfortable or ready to cry and want for home and I could breathe fine. I sure, had a backup plan, but that’s just good sense.  But I got through the day confident and happily and it was actually pretty fun!

I wanted to immediately share this with other anxiety suffers, there is help out there! Sometimes in life we tend to go on auto pilot, living with thing that are burdens, cause we don’t want to make a fuss, you forget how much of a burden is it cause you get familiar with it, or you don’t know any different and until people actually have the conversation to know.  It’s like the frog in the boiling water and we were all slowly boiled because we were in it before it boiled.  But mostly I think its fear, and we should never be held back from seeking help cause of fear.  You shouldn’t be uncomfortable because of fear!  Maybe medication isn’t for you, maybe simply counselling is, maybe a lifestyle change is.  It might be hard at first, but the question is, it is better to try or continue you the way you are?

My journey continues finding a balance between sessions, lifestyle and exercise, it’s hard to break bad habits, but I know now I’m on the right road at least….

The only way I could describe it is, like hearing your neighbours playing a familiar hated song. I can just hear it and feel it but it’s behind a wall, muted a little, if I focus I can hear it clearer, but I don’t want to hear that song I hate… eventually I hope the song will go away, but for now having it muted is fine with me.